my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
You Might Also Like
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me