[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
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A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Double negatives are never not confusing.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.