This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
You Might Also Like
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
same energy
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
*weighs self after shaving
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
My dog ate my work from home.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?