If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
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Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can鈥檛 I win one.
My kids didn鈥檛 follow me into the bathroom so now I鈥檓 scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don鈥檛 really think that鈥檚 what Jesus would have wanted
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
馃捇馃ぁ
Maybe it鈥檚 love, or maybe she just can鈥檛 unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
I guess I shouldn鈥檛 have had 3 cookies… Now, I鈥檓 being judged.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 饾槫饾槶饾槮饾槩饾槼饾槶饾樅 adhering to the volume guidelines
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay