Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
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“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
The government even made aliens boring
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.