This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
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Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.