Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
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My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.