I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
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‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.