I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
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‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
No regrets in 2018
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car