assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
You Might Also Like
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”