It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
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Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.