pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
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[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Broom by every window for quick escape.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
These aren’t even hard anymore.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Monday?
No. Next question.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
huge valentines day plans this year!!
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.