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Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.