Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
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Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Still a very good boi….
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”