“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
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My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.