urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
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Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.