[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
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*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Bit chilly again tonight.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Dietest Coke
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.