Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
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A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
The Others (2001)
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there