“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
You Might Also Like
Oh the world we live in…
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol