[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
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Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
i think we should see other cousins
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.