Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
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My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.