Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
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If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.