The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
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follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
A man of commitment.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.