My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat saladđȘ
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Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I thought it was âit takes two to make a dingo rideâ.
And then âit takes two to make it out of sightââŠ.ON the dingo.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
me: if you drink this coffee youâre gonna get jittery and anxious and youâre gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, âWe thought youâd never come back for us!â
When you see a picture of my kids and itâs captioned âThe reason I wake up every dayâ itâs not me being sweet. Itâs the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I canât believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Iâm not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
MUM đł
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3âŠ2âŠ1âŠtake off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, youâd have to say âThis is sheâ or people would think you were raised by alley cats
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
âDonât touch that. You donât know where itâs been.â
âI donât think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.â
âIn this house we cover our mouths when we cough.â
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither đ
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.