Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
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It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*