My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
You Might Also Like
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Meow
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day