The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
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Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona