Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
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Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I think this should do it.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
even bears disappoint their mothers
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?