Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
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You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.