Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
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I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Doggies just call it style.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
X-tra spooky blend
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.