manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
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*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Terribly Tuesday.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.