Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
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Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.