I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
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My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Sorry I made promises on Friday
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.