America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
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It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
#TopTip
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far