Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
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Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”