oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
You Might Also Like
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.