They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
You Might Also Like
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
“Wait, let me explain..”
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.