Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
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remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation