People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
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Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]