3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
You Might Also Like
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Sorry not sorry.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u