Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
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If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.