Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
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Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.