{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
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men’s fashion peaked in 1838
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
I just love that new Pope smell.