My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
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bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.