getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
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Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
I don’t hate children, just yours.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?