Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
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Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
If a snake ate a cake
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.