EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
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I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
those birds must be on payroll
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh