remember
only for emergencies
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Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.