DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
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If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
🤣✨#caturday
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.