❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
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I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
is nasa ok
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?